Be Prepared!

 "I’ve found the best way to revise your own work is to pretend that someone else wrote it and then rip the living shit out of it.” Don Roff

I have recently worked with an editor on my short story, which won a place in the Northern Crime One anthology. I’m extremely grateful to have had this experience. For many reasons, this has proved to be the perfect way to take that first step into publishing. I have come to realise how daunting it would have been if my first contract had been for a novel instead of a short story. I advise everyone mid way through the trials to delay novel submissions. Opt for articles, blogs, and/or a short story in a magazine, then try to get published in an anthology.  Do not jump head first into novel publication without any other experience.Take a little leap off the spring board rather than diving in from a precarious height. It might make less of a splash, but it’s better than producing an embarrassing belly flop.

I’ve spent years earning my apprenticeship, overcoming every trial that ever came my way, so I should have cracked open the Champagne the minute I became a Northern Crime Competition winner. However, after years of rejection this news came as such a surprise. I was in a state of shock, checking and re-checking the congratulatory email, wondering if it was someone’s idea of a sick joke.  When I realised it was authentic and that my work was finally going to be published, I started to look over my prize wining entry and (to quote Don Roff) - “rip the living shit out of it”. 

I penned my first novel in 2000, but the announcement that a short story (I’d submitted in 2014) was going to be published before the end of 2015 seemed to come all too suddenly. I’m sure I would have been a physical wreck if this had been an 80,000 word novel. Imagine, how many hours of sleep I would have lost going over and over that! And I would have gone over every single word a zillion times, because I now know how much it means to get your breakthrough publication right.

If you are like me, you’ll have been writing since a very young age, but only a few people will have read your work.  So when something of yours is about to get published, you become really anxious, expecting your work will be subjected to heaps of criticism instead of praise. Suddenly, someone out there might not like what you write. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can post a negative tweet or write a 1 star review. They have the capability to make you the laughing stock. The world will start to question why you’ve spent so much time working on pointless reams of shite. And the more you scrutinize your first published piece of work, the more you begin to believe your imaginary critics. By now you’re convinced your life isn’t worth living.

 

It is at times like these you might ask yourself that same old question - Who in their right mind would do this to themselves? The answer is that we are born writers. This compulsion comes to us at an early age. Mine began with lengthy notes slipped under my sister’s bedroom door. I illustrated the prose back then too. I was grateful for 'free ethos' infant’s education, so I could ignore mathematical subjects to concentrate on poetry and story writing. By the age of about 9, my work was leaning towards the crime genre. I’m not sure if it was appropriate, but I submitted my debut five page ‘horror/suspense’ book for the Girl Guide’s writing badge. I subsequently revised this for English homework, which showed an early inclination to edit and revise.  This piece of writing moved my teacher so much that she added a little note at the bottom of my work - something on the lines of, 'extraordinary' and ’inexplicable’! I did have friends back then - lots of them. I know this might come as a surprise, especially when you consider how I spent my spare time: burying dead frogs, discovering abandoned bleaching mills, roaming moors and writing about murder.    

 

I was a good friend. I pride myself on my ability to empathise. However, I never once put myself into the situation of waiting for my short story to be published. I presume I’d resigned myself to thinking it would never happen. So when the press release arrived with the names of other writers that were in the anthology, I felt sick, hoping my contribution wasn’t going to let the side down. The nausea didn’t subside until my short story received positive feedback. It wasn’t until that point when the achievement finally sank in and I started to feel really rather proud.

 

Readers are going to be subjective. Not everything appeals to everyone. Learn to accept this and then you can enjoy your writing achievements.  I don’t feel sick anymore. My work is finally on the shelves. I have worked hard to get here. The next step is to get one of my novels published. I can now categorically state that I'm ready. This time I come prepared...... 

THE END OF THE TRIALS OR JUST THE BEGINNING......

When I began to write about the trials in 2013, you could have been forgiven for thinking it was an excuse for me to have a rant. However, I put a lot of thought into those early blogs and I’ll have you know it wasn’t a simple task. In fact, it’s nigh on impossible regularly producing articles on the ‘joys’ of being an unpublished writer. It proved far easier to prattle on about being depressed and unrewarded in the hope that this might strike a chord. To distract a little from the woe, I wrote a few informative blogs. I might have even managed to add the odd positive remark, although most of the time it seemed like someone had been meticulously putting obstacles in my way.  Without connections, money and a thick skin it's certainly not an easy journey.    

An unpublished author’s life is far from exciting. The blogs were in danger of becoming repetitive and dull. What I perceived to be a good day was nothing to write home about. Of course, there were wonderful days when no one asked if my work had been published yet, but you can only talk about that once or twice. No one’s going to enjoy reading about the time you wrote 50,000 words, cleaned the house and still managed to feed the kids. You might feel very proud of yourself, but it’s not an achievement which justifies a mention in too many blogs.  It’s a dreary existence. Unpublished authors can’t blog about glamorous award ceremonies, because they don’t get nominated for anything.  And you’ll be lucky to get invited to publishing parties before you’ve made a name for yourself.  No one wants a bitter, baggy-eyed, grumpy unpublished writer for a friend.  You might not realise it but you’ve got negativity written all over your miserable face. If you lacked confidence when you set out to get published (and most of us do) then your self-esteem will be non-existent within months of submitting your work. You soon forget how to smile, like someone who’s overdone the botox, except you’ve got deep-set wrinkles and a permanent frown.

The trials not only strip you of a smooth complexion, but they take away your self-respect. By the end of it all, you’ll hate everything you’ve ever written. You’ll stop questioning whether it’s worth pursuing the dream and accept defeat.  

During the trials you’ll have politely thanked millions of people for kicking you when you’re already down.  Don’t be ashamed if you’ve suffered a relapse and gone back to those critics begging for more. We’re all guilty of grovelling.  Every long-term un-published author will have succumbed to arse licking in various degrees. It’s called desperation. The memories will make you cringe so adopt a coping mechanism - pretend it was some other loser who pitched that romantic novel to a crime editor and move on*.

Unnecessarily painful feedback might make you want to cry. Learn to pick yourself up every time a door is slammed in your face. You’ll be rejected on a daily basis. Sometimes it might occur in the nicest possible manner. Never get complacent. In their opinion, your work is a piece of shit whatever way they choose to inform you of that fact. You’ll soon get to the point when you couldn’t agree more.  I’ve often wondered what possessed me to submit such excrement, but if you wade through enough sewage, you’re bound to discover one golden nugget in a turd.  

Anyhow, I am digressing somewhat and must return to the theme. Like all farewells, I need to steer the subject back on course and break the news. I was on the verge of abandoning the trials and packing it in when a miracle occurred. After seven years of submitting work and three years of blogging I can finally confirm that I have received an author/publisher contract. Is this the end of the trials or just the beginning? Maybe it is the beginning of the end?  My advice is to keep reading the blogs - wait and see :-)

                                                             *NB: A fabricated example was used to protect the bloggers pride.

Literary Squatters

The literary world should not be encouraging Squatters to move in before a novel has reached the final draft. Inevitably, the quality of the product will suffer as a result.  Squatters don’t care about the property as much as the owner.  They have no reason to waste time tidying up. Why bother making it spick and span? On the other hand, the owner has dedicated several years of their life to that project. It means a heck of a lot to them to maintain standards and keep the place looking good....

I’ve recently watched two articulate women talking about their novels: one was passionately keen to discuss the writing process while the other didn’t seem to give two hoots.  The latter obviously hadn’t put as much work into her book. It struck me that it might not have even been her idea.  How did I make this judgement?  Well, if her apathy was a sign of her disappointment then she’d appear to be ashamed, apologise and promise to do better next time. However, considering this novel was a runaway success you’d expect her to be proud: enthusiastically talking about the ups and downs, the late nights working through dilemmas, the puzzles she’s had to resolve, the darlings she had to kill. There’s no way she’s spent years agonising over characterisation, concepts and wording.  During the course of the interview, I gathered that she hadn’t done much in the way of research either.

In order to get a sense of what my characters are going through, I’ve become a competent method actress. I’ve been known to bury my head in a threadbare carpet, before slapping myself across the face and crying REAL tears. I not only step into my fictional worlds: I hop, skip, jump, crawl - live and die there.  I can categorically state that I’ll never have a free-falling, tight rope walking, motorcycle stuntman in any of my novels.  But if I did, I’d read a few accounts of what it’s like to perform these stunts and I’d talk to Adrenalin Junkies to put myself into their shoes.

Before The Latter had finished her interview, she was asked about the film based on her novel. A movie! How fantastic! I would be honoured, thrilled, excited. I’d want to make sure the actors are going to put as much effort into portraying my characters as I put into creating them.  However, she didn’t seem to give two hoots. I became convinced that she was exhibiting 'Literary Squatter' traits. She must have taken over someone else's novel. What a cheek! A violation!

I stopped and thought about my accusation. Maybe, nothing excites this woman, but surely, after all that success you'd think she'd be a teeny bit happy? 

It can take years to get your work published. Many of us might not even come close to reaching that goal. The perfect first-draft will almost certainly never be recognised as a work of genius. Not many people in the publishing world will see that novel’s true potential. Only the Writer knows when they’re onto a winner.  By the third draft they’ll have produced well rounded characters and relevant dialogue. At this point, anyone could take that book and turn it into a product worthy of publication. Except, it belongs to the owner - it’s their manuscript. They’ve spent all those years developing the groundwork, putting up the scaffolding, cementing every brick. This has taken them many years to complete. They’ll know their characters more than any non-fictional human being. They’ll have struggled with point of view and tense. They’ll have played around with structure and in many cases they might have infuriatingly ended up right back at square one.  It’s all worth it, because they get to put on the roof and make their property water tight. It’s their job to make the final finishing touches to the interior and landscape the front and the back.  Don’t allow anyone else to take that satisfaction away. Believe me, there are people out there who will kick you out of the way for their own gains. After all the hard work is done, these squatters will saunter down your garden path and put their key in your front door.

You’ve brought several hundred blank pieces of paper to life, not them! You’ve created those places, concepts, characters and plot. It is your job to turn this project into a commercial product. This novel belongs to you. Enjoy those final tweaks - slip in a few more red herrings and finely tune the denouement. You revise the prologue and write the perfect hook. Introduce us to a few more characters and reveal their secrets.  You dug those foundations with your bare hands. You’ve written so many drafts. You know how your characters tick. It’ll be easy for Squatters to get mixed up, confuse concepts, lose their way around a location, forget what day it is - was the sun shining or not? Don't allow them to make a fool out of themselves....

My first novel was prematurely submitted to publishers (for whatever reason), but I’ve just completed the final stage and I’m overjoyed. It’s so rewarding. I can’t wait to get to this part of the novel writing process again. That's why I’m starting another book. By the end of today, I’ll be on a roll. I’m very speedy. I won’t be handing the baton over to anyone else. It'll take many more drafts before I get to that 'fun' bit again, but I’ve got the stamina, the determination to drive this idea forward. I don’t need any interference along the way.  I have my eyes on that final line. I’m looking forward to the sprint finish – that glorious moment is ALL mine!   I have copyright. It is my intellectual property.  Squatters keep out or else we might have to seek an eviction order.....

 

Criminal Profiling: Fictional and Non-Original Fiction..........

There are quite a few people I’ve had the displeasure of meeting in my life: people who lack empathy and integrity – nasty, selfish beings who, quite frankly, deserve to be dead.

Someone else might have killed these creatures a long time ago, but not me. Luckily for them, something stops me from doing this deadly deed. I’ll curse and I’ll plot revenge, but I stop at murder. Why? It’s because I’m made of something different. I’m not predisposed to extreme violence. I don’t have murder’s genetics. I didn’t have a disruptive childhood that ignited some deadly genetic make-up. I’ve never received a head injury that caused specific brain damage, which in theory might have led to a change in personality. I don’t have low levels of serotonin or high levels of testosterone.

Those of you who have done the dirty on me should be grateful that I don’t possess murderer’s attributes. However, be warned! I am a cool, calm, calculated crime writer who takes her time plotting comeuppance.

I’m fascinated by forensics and profiling. I enjoy building suspense and creating atmosphere. Without drive, passion and ‘weird twats’ in my life, I wouldn’t feel quite so compelled to write – especially in first person! Without you, I’d have given up writing a long time ago and I’d have run out of ideas. I do feel sorry for those sad cases who steal work from aspiring authors. You are not ‘real’ writers, but great big imposters?  It’s about time you considered another day job.....

LET’S TALK ABOUT SLUSH-PILES: Waste Incineration or Manuscript Recycling?

Who oversees the slush-piles? What regulations are in place? I’ve always been paranoid about unpublished material getting into the wrong hands - hence, the reason why I’ve only sent out a handful of submissions. But surely no one would borrow, tweak and/or deliberately steal someone else’s material? That would be stupid and quite literally CRIMINAL. After all they could be sent to gaol for this crime.

At some point during the trials, an unpublished writer is bound to start believing that something’s a foot, irregularities are going on and everyone’s out to get them. If a person’s work keeps getting rejected, it’s only natural for them to feel this way, but are they really imagining this? They might not be paranoid, but intuitive. I would advise all unpublished writers to keep your wits about you. There could be more than one bad apple out there.

However, you must become self critical. Re-read a rejected submission as if you were an agent/editor: learn to spot flaws, delete anything that interferes with the pace, ask questions such as, "How would I market this proposal?" Make the required alterations and send it onto the next agent on the list. Keep improving your submission until agents are fighting over your novel! Don't send mass submissions at any one time. Avoid slush-piles like the plague! 

If an agent expects aspiring writers to abide agency rules, then agents need to respect every submission they receive. All writers have to put a certain amount of effort into every submission. If they’ve not exactly come up with the goods, it is not for any one else’s entertainment. It is unprofessional to refer to/or discuss rejections even if the author’s identity remains anonymous, and highly unethical if it isn’t. The author owns that material. All work has copyright from the minute it is time-stamped. The writer must give their permission to anyone who wishes to distribute or publish any aspect of that work. If the writer dies, the unpublished work dies with them. All agencies must incinerate rejections. This work is not for recycling.

 

 

 

THE WRITER’S APPRENTICESHIP: STAGE ONE OF THE TRIALS – A SLOW DESCENT INTO HELL.....

Have you taken your hobby onto the next level? Are you embarking on a career in writing? If you want to become a professional author, decide whether your novel is going to be literary or commercial. Aim to write 60,000 consecutive words over a short period of time. Increase the word count and call it ‘First Draft.’ Then sit back, reflect on your wonderful life, bid friends goodbye, hand over your kids to a sane relative and begin divorce proceedings....

It’s one hell of an apprenticeship, a life changing experience, which should come with a health warning. You might opt for the lucky fast-track option and get an agent straight away, but you’ll probably end up on the most expensive course: the one that comes with additional training and usually lasts a lifetime. Only the most dedicated will survive. All students are expected to study seven days a week/24 hours a day. There will be nothing else on your mind.

In preparation for your slow descent into hell I must advise you to move into a clutter-free house, preferably one with padded walls. Crash-mat floors will provide protection for when you choose to hurl yourself around in utter despair. Send your submissions via email. Use texts to communicate with everyone else. While seeking representation, avoid contact with human beings - they’ll only keep asking if your work is published. When you tell them that you’re still working on that task, they’ll give you a look as if to say, ‘What have you been doing with your time?’ Therefore, I suggest you adopt a cat to keep you company. Make sure it’s trained and used to temperamental owners. Don’t get a dog - you won’t have time to take it on walks. It’ll only join the ever growing list of other ‘beings’ who resent you.

You’ll soon realise that you might never get an agent. This will occur long before you’ve reached the list of agents on page two of the Writers' & Artists' Yearbook. Don’t have a strop. Eat cake. Drink wine. Put your dimply hands on your ample hips and shout at the top of your voice to every agent worldwide, ‘I’m coming to get you!’ Did I mention your minimalist home must also have triple glazing to dampen emotional outbursts?

It could take anything from twelve months to thirty years to finish a writer’s apprenticeship. You won’t live any longer than this. Life expectancy decreases the minute you receive your first rejection.

By now you’ll be penniless and overcome with self-doubt. You’ll try to work out why no one wants you on their list. Do they dislike one aspect of your submission or hate it all? You’ll not consider the possibility that it just isn’t their cup of tea or that your idea is too difficult to brand. At this stage of apprenticeship, you are your biggest critic. Be careful not to go into an editorial frenzy. Please don’t cut ‘First Draft’ in half. You’re not yourself anymore. In this state you’re likely to shred all the best bits and completely lose the plot. Seek help!

Join a Writer’s Group to get constructive criticism. Agents are very good at wining, dining, flirting and smiling, but only if they’re getting a percentage of your earnings. They don’t have the time to write wonderful letters of encouragement, even if they’ve been inspired by your submission. Your work might be brilliant, you could have real potential, but if it ends up on the slush pile you won’t get any praise. Every ‘reject’ receives the same standard NO. Agents don’t molly-coddle ‘unknowns’. Their role is to find something that stands out within a particular genre. They have a fiduciary duty to represent the authors on their lists (anyone with a client agreement). Once an author obtains this legal contract they should feel secure, because any misrepresentation can be fought in court.  However, if you wish to avoid a battle, remain vigilant; expect to come across a few demons - it is HELL after all.

FIFTY SHADES OF HYPE....

Am I the only person who hasn’t read the book, seen the film or pre-ordered the DVD? I’ve read enough extracts and reviews to know that this book isn’t for me. I can’t take it seriously. Is it a joke? Am I right in thinking the author described male genitalia as ‘his essentials’– something I associate with my weekly shop? That term gets me wondering if my other half’s got enough bread for his packed lunch. I consider water to be a necessity like milk, eggs, butter - wine. I don’t expect to find Christian Grey’s meat-and-two-veg in the refrigeration cabinet when I’ve nipped into Asda for a litre of semi-skimmed. Perhaps they’d sit comfortably on every Good-For-You aisle, but in my opinion, the author should have written the word ‘penis’ to avoid confusion.

Maybe, I should jump on the band wagon, get hold of some mummy porn and see if I can write it any better? I do wonder why I’ve spent so much time editing and revising crime plots when I could write about groceries in a very telling, rather than showing way. As long as there’s enough hype surrounding a book, you could write about anything from frozen peas to chips - describe the cut as wrinkle instead of crinkle, if that’s what takes your fancy, but make sure there’s plenty of sauce.

I can categorically state that originality is a luxury, and most unpublished authors can’t afford to indulge. If we want our novels to get on the shelves we must work within the confines of genre and marketing. This is why I spent the majority of 2014 analysing the best way to adapt my first novel for crime. I needed to discover whether my ideas were commercial, so I scrutinised the competition. I didn’t find my work in hundreds of other books - not even two! It just wasn’t in-vogue. The first-person narrative was perhaps, a little too experimental. The protagonist had to become perpetrator or victim if it was ever going to slot into crime. I needed time to think. I’d already written a conventional police procedural, but I didn’t want this to become my breakthrough novel. I began work on a domestic noir, but I couldn’t shelve my first book. I felt compelled to get the story out. So I played around with the protagonist’s voice, taking the character from the novel and into scripts.   

I’ve waited this long to become a published author, so I can wait a bit longer. I’ve been very patient, getting the stories right. Maybe, before the end of the year, I might be in a position to submit novels again. I’m looking forward to working with people I can trust, in an environment that thrives on fresh perspectives, but for the time being, I’m enjoying ‘freedom’ far too much. I want to indulge in a little uncensored creativity. I’m turned on by innovation not ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. 

The Long Goodbye.....

Prior to submitting your work you might want to consider the phenomenon that is ‘The Long Goodbye’.....

This devastating rejection can cause severe heartache, especially if other opportunities were lost during that long wait. In order to avoid the agony of rejection, in whatever form, I asked successful authors how they approached their agents. I soon gathered that most had mapped out their careers before they began work on their first novel. Not one of these subjects rushed into the submission process. Instead, they spent many years studying their craft, entering competitions and collecting prizes. Even after they had completed their first draft, these cunning little foxes didn’t trust an agent to be in receipt of their work without getting independent editorial advice. While waiting for feedback, they did a spot of research - staring at profile pictures until they knew every agent by sight. They learned to sniff out influential people at parties and conferences, homing in on their favourites, targeting two or three at a time. Eventually, after years of apprenticeship, they sent off a round of submissions to a selected few. Excitement ensued. Contracts were signed. Publication agreements followed......

A trusting and somewhat impatient person might be tempted to submit three chapters of an incomplete novel. It is perhaps naive, but not stupid for an unpublished writer to trust an interested agent from a reputable agency. No one expects to be published overnight, but what’s the harm in hankering after a little advice? If an agent voluntarily reads your work, invites you to their office and/or provides feedback free of charge you could be excused for thinking that they are committed to developing your career. You might surmise that they are generous souls who work in an agency that is perhaps a tad too overstaffed? However, remain vigilant.

Be curious if an agent asks you to make changes without a client agreement. Literary agents don’t usually have the time to nurture. It’s not the job of publishers either. Publishers rely on established agents to send them work of a certain standard. So you may be asked to make a few alterations in preparation for publisher submissions, but surely not before you have signed a contract? Take another look at their clients. Assess whether your work sits comfortably on that list. Perhaps it’s time to move on before that long goodbye?

Remember, if your work isn’t ready for submission the vast majority of agents will thank you for your interest and bid you a short goodbye. Be aware that there are some unscrupulous agents who might string an aspiring author along: either to prevent their premise going to any other agency or to provide one of their existing clients with that idea? For this reason, I warn everyone to beware of the long goodbye......