THE WRITER’S APPRENTICESHIP: STAGE ONE OF THE TRIALS – A SLOW DESCENT INTO HELL.....

Have you taken your hobby onto the next level? Are you embarking on a career in writing? If you want to become a professional author, decide whether your novel is going to be literary or commercial. Aim to write 60,000 consecutive words over a short period of time. Increase the word count and call it ‘First Draft.’ Then sit back, reflect on your wonderful life, bid friends goodbye, hand over your kids to a sane relative and begin divorce proceedings....

It’s one hell of an apprenticeship, a life changing experience, which should come with a health warning. You might opt for the lucky fast-track option and get an agent straight away, but you’ll probably end up on the most expensive course: the one that comes with additional training and usually lasts a lifetime. Only the most dedicated will survive. All students are expected to study seven days a week/24 hours a day. There will be nothing else on your mind.

In preparation for your slow descent into hell I must advise you to move into a clutter-free house, preferably one with padded walls. Crash-mat floors will provide protection for when you choose to hurl yourself around in utter despair. Send your submissions via email. Use texts to communicate with everyone else. While seeking representation, avoid contact with human beings - they’ll only keep asking if your work is published. When you tell them that you’re still working on that task, they’ll give you a look as if to say, ‘What have you been doing with your time?’ Therefore, I suggest you adopt a cat to keep you company. Make sure it’s trained and used to temperamental owners. Don’t get a dog - you won’t have time to take it on walks. It’ll only join the ever growing list of other ‘beings’ who resent you.

You’ll soon realise that you might never get an agent. This will occur long before you’ve reached the list of agents on page two of the Writers' & Artists' Yearbook. Don’t have a strop. Eat cake. Drink wine. Put your dimply hands on your ample hips and shout at the top of your voice to every agent worldwide, ‘I’m coming to get you!’ Did I mention your minimalist home must also have triple glazing to dampen emotional outbursts?

It could take anything from twelve months to thirty years to finish a writer’s apprenticeship. You won’t live any longer than this. Life expectancy decreases the minute you receive your first rejection.

By now you’ll be penniless and overcome with self-doubt. You’ll try to work out why no one wants you on their list. Do they dislike one aspect of your submission or hate it all? You’ll not consider the possibility that it just isn’t their cup of tea or that your idea is too difficult to brand. At this stage of apprenticeship, you are your biggest critic. Be careful not to go into an editorial frenzy. Please don’t cut ‘First Draft’ in half. You’re not yourself anymore. In this state you’re likely to shred all the best bits and completely lose the plot. Seek help!

Join a Writer’s Group to get constructive criticism. Agents are very good at wining, dining, flirting and smiling, but only if they’re getting a percentage of your earnings. They don’t have the time to write wonderful letters of encouragement, even if they’ve been inspired by your submission. Your work might be brilliant, you could have real potential, but if it ends up on the slush pile you won’t get any praise. Every ‘reject’ receives the same standard NO. Agents don’t molly-coddle ‘unknowns’. Their role is to find something that stands out within a particular genre. They have a fiduciary duty to represent the authors on their lists (anyone with a client agreement). Once an author obtains this legal contract they should feel secure, because any misrepresentation can be fought in court.  However, if you wish to avoid a battle, remain vigilant; expect to come across a few demons - it is HELL after all.

FIFTY SHADES OF HYPE....

Am I the only person who hasn’t read the book, seen the film or pre-ordered the DVD? I’ve read enough extracts and reviews to know that this book isn’t for me. I can’t take it seriously. Is it a joke? Am I right in thinking the author described male genitalia as ‘his essentials’– something I associate with my weekly shop? That term gets me wondering if my other half’s got enough bread for his packed lunch. I consider water to be a necessity like milk, eggs, butter - wine. I don’t expect to find Christian Grey’s meat-and-two-veg in the refrigeration cabinet when I’ve nipped into Asda for a litre of semi-skimmed. Perhaps they’d sit comfortably on every Good-For-You aisle, but in my opinion, the author should have written the word ‘penis’ to avoid confusion.

Maybe, I should jump on the band wagon, get hold of some mummy porn and see if I can write it any better? I do wonder why I’ve spent so much time editing and revising crime plots when I could write about groceries in a very telling, rather than showing way. As long as there’s enough hype surrounding a book, you could write about anything from frozen peas to chips - describe the cut as wrinkle instead of crinkle, if that’s what takes your fancy, but make sure there’s plenty of sauce.

I can categorically state that originality is a luxury, and most unpublished authors can’t afford to indulge. If we want our novels to get on the shelves we must work within the confines of genre and marketing. This is why I spent the majority of 2014 analysing the best way to adapt my first novel for crime. I needed to discover whether my ideas were commercial, so I scrutinised the competition. I didn’t find my work in hundreds of other books - not even two! It just wasn’t in-vogue. The first-person narrative was perhaps, a little too experimental. The protagonist had to become perpetrator or victim if it was ever going to slot into crime. I needed time to think. I’d already written a conventional police procedural, but I didn’t want this to become my breakthrough novel. I began work on a domestic noir, but I couldn’t shelve my first book. I felt compelled to get the story out. So I played around with the protagonist’s voice, taking the character from the novel and into scripts.   

I’ve waited this long to become a published author, so I can wait a bit longer. I’ve been very patient, getting the stories right. Maybe, before the end of the year, I might be in a position to submit novels again. I’m looking forward to working with people I can trust, in an environment that thrives on fresh perspectives, but for the time being, I’m enjoying ‘freedom’ far too much. I want to indulge in a little uncensored creativity. I’m turned on by innovation not ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. 

The Long Goodbye.....

Prior to submitting your work you might want to consider the phenomenon that is ‘The Long Goodbye’.....

This devastating rejection can cause severe heartache, especially if other opportunities were lost during that long wait. In order to avoid the agony of rejection, in whatever form, I asked successful authors how they approached their agents. I soon gathered that most had mapped out their careers before they began work on their first novel. Not one of these subjects rushed into the submission process. Instead, they spent many years studying their craft, entering competitions and collecting prizes. Even after they had completed their first draft, these cunning little foxes didn’t trust an agent to be in receipt of their work without getting independent editorial advice. While waiting for feedback, they did a spot of research - staring at profile pictures until they knew every agent by sight. They learned to sniff out influential people at parties and conferences, homing in on their favourites, targeting two or three at a time. Eventually, after years of apprenticeship, they sent off a round of submissions to a selected few. Excitement ensued. Contracts were signed. Publication agreements followed......

A trusting and somewhat impatient person might be tempted to submit three chapters of an incomplete novel. It is perhaps naive, but not stupid for an unpublished writer to trust an interested agent from a reputable agency. No one expects to be published overnight, but what’s the harm in hankering after a little advice? If an agent voluntarily reads your work, invites you to their office and/or provides feedback free of charge you could be excused for thinking that they are committed to developing your career. You might surmise that they are generous souls who work in an agency that is perhaps a tad too overstaffed? However, remain vigilant.

Be curious if an agent asks you to make changes without a client agreement. Literary agents don’t usually have the time to nurture. It’s not the job of publishers either. Publishers rely on established agents to send them work of a certain standard. So you may be asked to make a few alterations in preparation for publisher submissions, but surely not before you have signed a contract? Take another look at their clients. Assess whether your work sits comfortably on that list. Perhaps it’s time to move on before that long goodbye?

Remember, if your work isn’t ready for submission the vast majority of agents will thank you for your interest and bid you a short goodbye. Be aware that there are some unscrupulous agents who might string an aspiring author along: either to prevent their premise going to any other agency or to provide one of their existing clients with that idea? For this reason, I warn everyone to beware of the long goodbye......  

Don't make the same mistake twice.....

In all probability the simplest error in your otherwise brilliant submission/competition entry will be drastic.  The chance of a mistake contributing to your success isn’t very likely. However, I’ll bet it’ll happen one day. After weighing up the odds, I’d take a risk and have a flutter. A little whoops-a-daisy could be the gateway to success. It might even make you rich. Intrigued? Then read on....

Most writers are blinded by the sheer genius of their work to notice a teeny-weeny error. Their minds are full of complex plots, stimulating dialogue, murder and espionage. A dedicated author can deliberate for days over a single connective. They spend hours navigating peaks and troughs. A writer can become so close to their creations that they’ll start talking about every fictional character as if they actually exist. In this state of instability we can’t expect them to notice a ‘T-shit’ instead of ‘shirt’. It’s easy to miss the ‘twat’ that should have been ‘tat’ or that slippery ‘crap’ which was meant to be ‘carp’. Come on – give them a break. The vast majority of writers need a decent proof-reader.

Not all unpublished authors have the money to pay for editorial services. Ask a favour from your writing group peers or a smart friend, but choose someone you trust. You don’t want them blurting out every embarrassing mistake you’ve ever made.

Mind you, I’m not afraid to admit my mistakes. I’ll be forever indebted to the man who kindly informed me that my main character had been hovering when I’d created a scene in which she should have been hoovering. It caused great hilarity when he read that my levitating protagonist had become irritated by a flyaway fridge which she had somehow managed to flick from her face.

Some of my cringing mistakes have come alarmingly close to publication, but by sheer coincidence, fate stepped in and saved the day. I might have failed to notice past mistakes, but I’ll never make them again. I’ve come full circle in my writing career - right back to square one, but I’ve learned many lessons.  

The main lesson is not to rush into finding an agent. I used to naively think that it was essential to secure representation, even if you had not perfected your first draft. On the contrary, you must concentrate on creativity in those early days. You don’t want the menace of conflicting advice at this stage. Choose a genre that suits you and become an expert in that area. Retain your positive attributes and work on the negatives. Attend courses and festivals. Brush shoulders with people in the know. Exchange tweets and share Facebook posts. Create a substantial portfolio before you begin the submission process. Once you decide to step into this minefield: get introduced to agents, attend pitch sessions and read agent profiles to make sure they are right for you. Most importantly, choose someone you can trust by seeking recommendations from peers.

In the New Year, I’ll send my revised novel off to the third agent on my list. I might even chase up number two. There’s no rush. So what’s the betting that I’ll get my work published in 2015? I don’t need a pie chart to demonstrate that the odds are stacked up against me. However, I’m not obsessing over that probability.  

Imagine one giant dessert with plenty of fruit and dollops of cream - make it clotted – the richer the better. Add several triangular sandwiches without crusts: cream cheese, cucumber and mint. We’re enjoying afternoon tea at Betty’s, as opposed to making do with what’s left over in the fridge. I’m taking my time. I don’t want to get too full, too quick and end up with an agonising stitch. I’m going to enjoy this moment for as long as it takes to recharge the batteries. You could say I’m bulking up, in preparation for another fight. The trials will continue, but I’m all set to take a different path. Mistakes can make you very rich indeed.

 

#amblogging and #writing, because #Ineedtosellmybook, which is #thebestthingsinceslicedbread....

An unpublished author should include hash-tags in every tweet if they want to get noticed. No matter what your day job is, you must set aside time to ‘strut your stuff’ on social media. It is a good idea to knock a few years off your age and post a photo-shopped image that was taken decades ago. Practice facial expressions in front of a mirror. Go for a moody, intellectual pose for your profile picture: choose your best side, look up and appear thoughtful.

 

To attract new followers you might want to fabricate a connection to the Royal Family or add an impressive title to your name. For wider exposure you could degrade yourself by going on a reality programme. Perhaps this is not the recommended route for those of you who are aiming for the Booker prize? But be warned, if that is the case, be prepared for an even harder slog to the top and expect to be poorer as a result.

All unpublished writers should tweet several hundred times a day and still find time to write the next best-seller *raises eye brows* *positions tongue in cheek*. 

You must be professional: set goals, meet competition deadlines and submit perfectly edited work. Ideally, you could go without meals to pay for editorial services, which shows commitment and might work in your favour. Make sure you post a few newsfeeds on Facebook so everyone is aware of the sacrifices you’re making. Don’t forget to tag ‘friends’ from the publishing industry. Sod everyone else.  

A wise unpublished author of any genre must be organised. Go to your nearest Ikea store and buy everything listed on pages 228 to 245 in the catalogue. Invest in filing systems for workshop notes. A couple of Pappis boxes for contacts and business cards wouldn’t go amiss, the odd Tjena, Maffin basket and Samla with lid. Buy expandable cases for the many rejection letters that will be coming your way. Frame all achievements (no matter how small) because every little bit of recognition can lift your flagging confidence. Restoring belief in oneself is vital during the long road to publication.

Back up all your work on memory sticks, which can be hidden securely in locked safes. Keep hard copies and electronically date stamp emails to prove copyright. You’ve not spent all these years working hard and getting nowhere to let some thieving #### steal what’s rightfully yours *winks* *looking at no one in particular* *winks again*.

At this stage, you might experience battle fatigue. You’ll be bitter and deflated. So use all that pent up anger and frustration to your advantage. Release tension by protesting about a good cause, something like keeping your local library open. Support this worthwhile service by visiting it daily. Make sure you post photographs to earn brownie points.

Give up on sleep, if need be. Use every minute of those 24 hours to raise your profile. Word of advice #caffeine.

Before you keel over from total exhaustion, make sure you become an expert in your chosen field by reading at least one novel a night. Do whatever it takes to acquire an array of books. After years of receiving no money for all your efforts, you might have to downsize and live in a caravan or bedsit where there’s no room for shelves. Never fear. There are other ways to store your ever-increasing collection of other people's books. Stack them high, preferably in alphabetical order, which shows you care. Name the post, “My leaning tower of literature” and dust regularly.  

 

Remember peers: remain Resilient, Organised, Positive and Extrovert #ROPE

 

                            Advice courtesy of unpublishedauthor@battleweary.com.co.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A change is as good as a rest.....

I’d like to announce my retirement. I am no longer a full-time, unpaid novelist obsessively seeking representation. The time has come for me to take a break from the submission's business. I can not continue submitting novels without A) Going insane. B) Having a heart attack C) Jumping off a bridge or D) Killing someone else. The pace at which I’ve been applying for representation is damaging my health. I’ve officially burnt out.

Within weeks of turning over this new leaf, I find that my poxy skin has become clear and the wine intake decreased. My hair isn’t limp and lifeless, but vibrant and shiny. I can now swish it about like those self-assured models in the hair adverts. Most importantly, I’ve stopped yelling at everyone. My kids can leave gym kits on buses, lose mobile phones, snap travel passes in half and dirty their clean clothes, because...do you know what.... it’ll all come out in the wash. I don’t cry uncontrollably in inappropriate places for hours on end. I’m smiling without an inner frown. I suppose you could describe it as being normal.

 

It seems like a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders. At last, I’m allowing myself time to appreciate the simple things in life. I can go out with my family, greet strangers, observe interactions, exchange expressions and take note of my surroundings. I’m not looking at the floor minding cracks in pavements, dwelling on injustice and rejection. In a nutshell, I have become a writer again...to hell with the submission process....for the time-being.

It makes me ill just thinking about how it takes six months to write a 100,000 word draft and another ten years to get representation. I became a submission machine that had lost the ability to be creative. Therefore, the novels have been put to one side. I’m concentrating my efforts on writing scripts, short monologues and anthologies. I need to increase my portfolio. I need to take my time and produce quality work.

 

I’ve been revising the same novel for too long. I’m in danger of looking back and seeing nothing for all that effort.  I feel I’ve wasted years adapting my novels to suit different requirements, second guessing what the business wants, pleasing individual tastes and taking on board a mish-mash of requests. I've lost count of the hours spent writing what seems like several hundred different versions of one synopsis. If I’m not careful, I’ll loose my mind, dumb down the novels and forget what made me write in the first place. Of course, I will continue to submit when, and if, a suitable agent comes my way, but I can’t purely focus on submitting instead of creating. There has to be balance in an unpublished writer’s life - an equilibrium where you come out on the other side with your sanity still intact. 

 

#mywritingprocess - part of the writing blog tour

 

This is my writing process, part of #mywritingprocess blog tour

I was nominated by Jude Brown: a friend and fellow writer, who never fails to make me laugh, with or without the aid of Guinness. In fact, she’s been known to make me cry with laughter after drinking only highly diluted Orangina – that’s the power of this woman! 

Jude is a writer of contemporary fiction, whose short stories have been widely published. She is also the recipient of many awards: semi finalist for the Raymond Carver Short Story Prize 2012, short-listed for the Bridport Short Story Prize 2013 and short-listed for the Fish Short Story Prize 2013. After completing her MA writing at Sheffield Hallam University, Jude became a winner of the Northern Writer’s Award 2013 for her novel, ‘The Dangerous Sun’. With this impressive list of accomplishments, I expect agents will soon be fighting to represent this talented author. I look forward to seeing, ‘The Dangerous Sun’ on the shelves very soon.

Find out more about Jude on her website: http://www.judebrown.co.uk  

To read Jude’s blogs and find a delicious recipe for banana curry visit: http://bananacurry.com

           So here goes! These are my answers to the #mywritingprocess questions:

1.      What am I working on?

I am touting around ‘Into the Snicket,’ my first crime/thriller novel, which is about domestic abuse and murder. An early version of this was submitted to editors via my last agent. At the time, I was flattered to obtain representation so early in my writing career, although I was naively unaware of the importance of marketing and genre. In my desire to please, the novel became a mixed bag of crime, literary and whatever anyone else suggested. Editors praised it for being atmospheric, utterly compelling and powerful. However, the consensus was that the pace was too slow for crime. I began to work on the overhaul, which took six months of re-writing and tinkering until I’d found a marketable style. It’s taken me a while to understand this business and for my confidence to grow, but I feel the novel is now ready for crime representation. In the past, I thought, I’d wasted opportunities. I look back now and realise that all those other versions of ‘Into the Snicket’ were necessary drafts: a lesson in writing, the hard way.

       2. How does my work differ?

I’m interested in dissecting the psychology of protagonists and antagonists. Once I’ve got into their minds, I can hear their voices and for this reason I prefer to write first person. This enables me to describe their tension and create atmospheric situations, which is what I enjoy. My novels unravel crimes via witness, victim and/or murderer’s viewpoints rather than through the official investigation. However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t love reading great police procedural novels, such as Denise Mina’s, The End of the Wasp Season AND who doesn’t have a soft spot for Mark Billingham’s, Tom Thorne?

My writing combines subjects I studied for my degree: feminism, criminology, politics, sociology and psychology. Into the Snicket has proved to be a difficult nut to crack: a crime novel, written in first person, where the protagonist isn’t cop, forensic investigator, witness, victim or murderer. I suppose this wasn’t an easy way to begin my writing career and I deserved all the obstacles that have come my way!

     3. Why do I write the way I do?

I’m drawn to the crime genre, because I am incensed by a great deal of things which go on in this world and, on a more personal level, I’ve been subjected to injustice on far too many occasions. I am an amicable and caring person (honestly), so for someone as nice as me, crime writing is a great way to vent fury! Be aware that if you upset me, you’ll become my next fictional criminal – the one who’s going to be hung, drawn and quartered.  

I was a sensitive child who liked to please everyone, but I suffered speech impediments and was incredibly shy as a result. Writing became a way to express myself without embarrassment or fear of ridicule. In recent years, fictional revenge has given me a great boost in confidence. I've finally found my vocation. Now, I'm never lost for words.

I admire Donna Tartt’s work and emulate Andrea Badenoch, whose novels I’ve recently discovered - I would say these are the closest to mine. In ‘Rush of Blood,’ Mark Billingham interwove the murderer’s pov in between the six suspects, which is a similar format to the ones I use. I’m inspired by Dickens, Du Maurier and the Bronte’s who wrote atmospheric novels with memorable characters. For this reason, I enjoyed, 'Woman in Black' by Susan Hill. I found the adaptation to stage and screen worked well. My third novel was originally written as a play and Into the Snicket’s unreliable narrator has the perfect voice for radio. I find scripts easier to write than short stories, which always become long stories - the reason why I have written more novels than anything else.

      4. How does your writing process work?

It would be nice to start the day with a visit to the gym, followed by a facial and manicure. Sadly, I have no time for pre-writing pampering sessions. And anyway, there isn’t any point - by 8.30, I’ve bitten all my nails and pulled out my hair, because I own an antiquated laptop that’s slow to start up in a morning. Obviously, I do empathise with this elderly machine, as it takes me a while to become fully operational too. I require a pot of tea and several mugs of coffee before I begin. I do wash and get dressed on writing days, but only because I have to take the kids to school.

On my return, I’ll have another coffee, taking the opportunity to check Twitter, Facebook and Emails. I’ll feed the cat and do some ‘bare minimal’ housework. Then me, and the laptop are fired up and raring to go. Once I start, I have no motivational problems, because I only have a few hours before the whirlwinds get in from school. If I’m on a roll, I will go back and finish it off, working well into the night.

Now that I’m looking for crime representation, I focus on one of three things: the next novel, competition entries or agent submissions. If I’m tired I’ll edit. If I’m feeling creative, I’ll create.

When I take time out to visit museums, galleries, libraries, or go for a stroll, I’ll observe people, locations or read, but I can’t write in public spaces. I’ve become highly protective of my unpublished work and for very good reason. There’s always a chance that someone’s going to look over my shoulder and pinch my ideas. Still, I can always get my own back and turn them into a fictional corpse....

Thank you for reading my writing process.  For next week’s blog tour, I would like to introduce Michael Moon and Matt Wingett

I first met Michael on an Arvon novel writing course in 2008. He had already published ‘My Camino,’ so he was a great inspiration during our week in Lumb Bank. This beautiful book is an account of Michael’s 500 mile pilgrimage to Camino de Santiago, which he completed in 30 days at the age of 67. A few centuries earlier, his ancestor William de Mohun had undertook the same pilgrimage, in the year 1280!

After serving in the military as a 2^nd Lieutenant in the Royal West African Frontier Force, Michael took on a variety of temporary jobs which, he affirms rounded out his education. His first fictional novel is described as a captivating ghost story, based on real and extraordinary experiences of the writer. ‘Moonshadow’ uncovers a medieval secret that has lain dormant for seven hundred years.

Michael informs me that he is writing more ‘Moon’ novels, with two in progress. If that isn’t enough to be getting on with, Michael is looking for an illustrator as he plans to publish several children’s stories. Anyone interested? Visit: http://michaelmoonauthor.com

Matt Wingett was recommended for this blog tour by fellow writer, Lynne E Blackwood.

Matt writes stories and blog entries about Portsmouth. He describes his home town as, ‘village-like and extraordinary’. “Every step along it’s cramped roads has a story attached, or a bizarre piece of history.”

Matt used to write episodes for the television series, The Bill and has crafted a stage production, Sing Sing Sing, at The New Theatre Royal, Portsmouth. He is the author of several books including, ‘We’ll Meet Again’, where a real 1940’s singing trio called The Three Belles, uncover an old wrong that they must put right. This novella is described as a ghost story with a difference - that will keep you guessing until the end.

To discover more about Matt visit: www.lifeisamazing.co.uk/about-me/

NOW OVER TO MY TWO VERY INTERESTING NOMINEES, WHO WILL POST THEIR WRITING PROCESS AND TWO NOMINATIONS NEXT WEEK.....