Literary Squatters

The literary world should not be encouraging Squatters to move in before a novel has reached the final draft. Inevitably, the quality of the product will suffer as a result.  Squatters don’t care about the property as much as the owner.  They have no reason to waste time tidying up. Why bother making it spick and span? On the other hand, the owner has dedicated several years of their life to that project. It means a heck of a lot to them to maintain standards and keep the place looking good....

I’ve recently watched two articulate women talking about their novels: one was passionately keen to discuss the writing process while the other didn’t seem to give two hoots.  The latter obviously hadn’t put as much work into her book. It struck me that it might not have even been her idea.  How did I make this judgement?  Well, if her apathy was a sign of her disappointment then she’d appear to be ashamed, apologise and promise to do better next time. However, considering this novel was a runaway success you’d expect her to be proud: enthusiastically talking about the ups and downs, the late nights working through dilemmas, the puzzles she’s had to resolve, the darlings she had to kill. There’s no way she’s spent years agonising over characterisation, concepts and wording.  During the course of the interview, I gathered that she hadn’t done much in the way of research either.

In order to get a sense of what my characters are going through, I’ve become a competent method actress. I’ve been known to bury my head in a threadbare carpet, before slapping myself across the face and crying REAL tears. I not only step into my fictional worlds: I hop, skip, jump, crawl - live and die there.  I can categorically state that I’ll never have a free-falling, tight rope walking, motorcycle stuntman in any of my novels.  But if I did, I’d read a few accounts of what it’s like to perform these stunts and I’d talk to Adrenalin Junkies to put myself into their shoes.

Before The Latter had finished her interview, she was asked about the film based on her novel. A movie! How fantastic! I would be honoured, thrilled, excited. I’d want to make sure the actors are going to put as much effort into portraying my characters as I put into creating them.  However, she didn’t seem to give two hoots. I became convinced that she was exhibiting 'Literary Squatter' traits. She must have taken over someone else's novel. What a cheek! A violation!

I stopped and thought about my accusation. Maybe, nothing excites this woman, but surely, after all that success you'd think she'd be a teeny bit happy? 

It can take years to get your work published. Many of us might not even come close to reaching that goal. The perfect first-draft will almost certainly never be recognised as a work of genius. Not many people in the publishing world will see that novel’s true potential. Only the Writer knows when they’re onto a winner.  By the third draft they’ll have produced well rounded characters and relevant dialogue. At this point, anyone could take that book and turn it into a product worthy of publication. Except, it belongs to the owner - it’s their manuscript. They’ve spent all those years developing the groundwork, putting up the scaffolding, cementing every brick. This has taken them many years to complete. They’ll know their characters more than any non-fictional human being. They’ll have struggled with point of view and tense. They’ll have played around with structure and in many cases they might have infuriatingly ended up right back at square one.  It’s all worth it, because they get to put on the roof and make their property water tight. It’s their job to make the final finishing touches to the interior and landscape the front and the back.  Don’t allow anyone else to take that satisfaction away. Believe me, there are people out there who will kick you out of the way for their own gains. After all the hard work is done, these squatters will saunter down your garden path and put their key in your front door.

You’ve brought several hundred blank pieces of paper to life, not them! You’ve created those places, concepts, characters and plot. It is your job to turn this project into a commercial product. This novel belongs to you. Enjoy those final tweaks - slip in a few more red herrings and finely tune the denouement. You revise the prologue and write the perfect hook. Introduce us to a few more characters and reveal their secrets.  You dug those foundations with your bare hands. You’ve written so many drafts. You know how your characters tick. It’ll be easy for Squatters to get mixed up, confuse concepts, lose their way around a location, forget what day it is - was the sun shining or not? Don't allow them to make a fool out of themselves....

My first novel was prematurely submitted to publishers (for whatever reason), but I’ve just completed the final stage and I’m overjoyed. It’s so rewarding. I can’t wait to get to this part of the novel writing process again. That's why I’m starting another book. By the end of today, I’ll be on a roll. I’m very speedy. I won’t be handing the baton over to anyone else. It'll take many more drafts before I get to that 'fun' bit again, but I’ve got the stamina, the determination to drive this idea forward. I don’t need any interference along the way.  I have my eyes on that final line. I’m looking forward to the sprint finish – that glorious moment is ALL mine!   I have copyright. It is my intellectual property.  Squatters keep out or else we might have to seek an eviction order.....

 

Criminal Profiling: Fictional and Non-Original Fiction..........

There are quite a few people I’ve had the displeasure of meeting in my life: people who lack empathy and integrity – nasty, selfish beings who, quite frankly, deserve to be dead.

Someone else might have killed these creatures a long time ago, but not me. Luckily for them, something stops me from doing this deadly deed. I’ll curse and I’ll plot revenge, but I stop at murder. Why? It’s because I’m made of something different. I’m not predisposed to extreme violence. I don’t have murder’s genetics. I didn’t have a disruptive childhood that ignited some deadly genetic make-up. I’ve never received a head injury that caused specific brain damage, which in theory might have led to a change in personality. I don’t have low levels of serotonin or high levels of testosterone.

Those of you who have done the dirty on me should be grateful that I don’t possess murderer’s attributes. However, be warned! I am a cool, calm, calculated crime writer who takes her time plotting comeuppance.

I’m fascinated by forensics and profiling. I enjoy building suspense and creating atmosphere. Without drive, passion and ‘weird twats’ in my life, I wouldn’t feel quite so compelled to write – especially in first person! Without you, I’d have given up writing a long time ago and I’d have run out of ideas. I do feel sorry for those sad cases who steal work from aspiring authors. You are not ‘real’ writers, but great big imposters?  It’s about time you considered another day job.....

LET’S TALK ABOUT SLUSH-PILES: Waste Incineration or Manuscript Recycling?

Who oversees the slush-piles? What regulations are in place? I’ve always been paranoid about unpublished material getting into the wrong hands - hence, the reason why I’ve only sent out a handful of submissions. But surely no one would borrow, tweak and/or deliberately steal someone else’s material? That would be stupid and quite literally CRIMINAL. After all they could be sent to gaol for this crime.

At some point during the trials, an unpublished writer is bound to start believing that something’s a foot, irregularities are going on and everyone’s out to get them. If a person’s work keeps getting rejected, it’s only natural for them to feel this way, but are they really imagining this? They might not be paranoid, but intuitive. I would advise all unpublished writers to keep your wits about you. There could be more than one bad apple out there.

However, you must become self critical. Re-read a rejected submission as if you were an agent/editor: learn to spot flaws, delete anything that interferes with the pace, ask questions such as, "How would I market this proposal?" Make the required alterations and send it onto the next agent on the list. Keep improving your submission until agents are fighting over your novel! Don't send mass submissions at any one time. Avoid slush-piles like the plague! 

If an agent expects aspiring writers to abide agency rules, then agents need to respect every submission they receive. All writers have to put a certain amount of effort into every submission. If they’ve not exactly come up with the goods, it is not for any one else’s entertainment. It is unprofessional to refer to/or discuss rejections even if the author’s identity remains anonymous, and highly unethical if it isn’t. The author owns that material. All work has copyright from the minute it is time-stamped. The writer must give their permission to anyone who wishes to distribute or publish any aspect of that work. If the writer dies, the unpublished work dies with them. All agencies must incinerate rejections. This work is not for recycling.

 

 

 

THE WRITER’S APPRENTICESHIP: STAGE ONE OF THE TRIALS – A SLOW DESCENT INTO HELL.....

Have you taken your hobby onto the next level? Are you embarking on a career in writing? If you want to become a professional author, decide whether your novel is going to be literary or commercial. Aim to write 60,000 consecutive words over a short period of time. Increase the word count and call it ‘First Draft.’ Then sit back, reflect on your wonderful life, bid friends goodbye, hand over your kids to a sane relative and begin divorce proceedings....

It’s one hell of an apprenticeship, a life changing experience, which should come with a health warning. You might opt for the lucky fast-track option and get an agent straight away, but you’ll probably end up on the most expensive course: the one that comes with additional training and usually lasts a lifetime. Only the most dedicated will survive. All students are expected to study seven days a week/24 hours a day. There will be nothing else on your mind.

In preparation for your slow descent into hell I must advise you to move into a clutter-free house, preferably one with padded walls. Crash-mat floors will provide protection for when you choose to hurl yourself around in utter despair. Send your submissions via email. Use texts to communicate with everyone else. While seeking representation, avoid contact with human beings - they’ll only keep asking if your work is published. When you tell them that you’re still working on that task, they’ll give you a look as if to say, ‘What have you been doing with your time?’ Therefore, I suggest you adopt a cat to keep you company. Make sure it’s trained and used to temperamental owners. Don’t get a dog - you won’t have time to take it on walks. It’ll only join the ever growing list of other ‘beings’ who resent you.

You’ll soon realise that you might never get an agent. This will occur long before you’ve reached the list of agents on page two of the Writers' & Artists' Yearbook. Don’t have a strop. Eat cake. Drink wine. Put your dimply hands on your ample hips and shout at the top of your voice to every agent worldwide, ‘I’m coming to get you!’ Did I mention your minimalist home must also have triple glazing to dampen emotional outbursts?

It could take anything from twelve months to thirty years to finish a writer’s apprenticeship. You won’t live any longer than this. Life expectancy decreases the minute you receive your first rejection.

By now you’ll be penniless and overcome with self-doubt. You’ll try to work out why no one wants you on their list. Do they dislike one aspect of your submission or hate it all? You’ll not consider the possibility that it just isn’t their cup of tea or that your idea is too difficult to brand. At this stage of apprenticeship, you are your biggest critic. Be careful not to go into an editorial frenzy. Please don’t cut ‘First Draft’ in half. You’re not yourself anymore. In this state you’re likely to shred all the best bits and completely lose the plot. Seek help!

Join a Writer’s Group to get constructive criticism. Agents are very good at wining, dining, flirting and smiling, but only if they’re getting a percentage of your earnings. They don’t have the time to write wonderful letters of encouragement, even if they’ve been inspired by your submission. Your work might be brilliant, you could have real potential, but if it ends up on the slush pile you won’t get any praise. Every ‘reject’ receives the same standard NO. Agents don’t molly-coddle ‘unknowns’. Their role is to find something that stands out within a particular genre. They have a fiduciary duty to represent the authors on their lists (anyone with a client agreement). Once an author obtains this legal contract they should feel secure, because any misrepresentation can be fought in court.  However, if you wish to avoid a battle, remain vigilant; expect to come across a few demons - it is HELL after all.

FIFTY SHADES OF HYPE....

Am I the only person who hasn’t read the book, seen the film or pre-ordered the DVD? I’ve read enough extracts and reviews to know that this book isn’t for me. I can’t take it seriously. Is it a joke? Am I right in thinking the author described male genitalia as ‘his essentials’– something I associate with my weekly shop? That term gets me wondering if my other half’s got enough bread for his packed lunch. I consider water to be a necessity like milk, eggs, butter - wine. I don’t expect to find Christian Grey’s meat-and-two-veg in the refrigeration cabinet when I’ve nipped into Asda for a litre of semi-skimmed. Perhaps they’d sit comfortably on every Good-For-You aisle, but in my opinion, the author should have written the word ‘penis’ to avoid confusion.

Maybe, I should jump on the band wagon, get hold of some mummy porn and see if I can write it any better? I do wonder why I’ve spent so much time editing and revising crime plots when I could write about groceries in a very telling, rather than showing way. As long as there’s enough hype surrounding a book, you could write about anything from frozen peas to chips - describe the cut as wrinkle instead of crinkle, if that’s what takes your fancy, but make sure there’s plenty of sauce.

I can categorically state that originality is a luxury, and most unpublished authors can’t afford to indulge. If we want our novels to get on the shelves we must work within the confines of genre and marketing. This is why I spent the majority of 2014 analysing the best way to adapt my first novel for crime. I needed to discover whether my ideas were commercial, so I scrutinised the competition. I didn’t find my work in hundreds of other books - not even two! It just wasn’t in-vogue. The first-person narrative was perhaps, a little too experimental. The protagonist had to become perpetrator or victim if it was ever going to slot into crime. I needed time to think. I’d already written a conventional police procedural, but I didn’t want this to become my breakthrough novel. I began work on a domestic noir, but I couldn’t shelve my first book. I felt compelled to get the story out. So I played around with the protagonist’s voice, taking the character from the novel and into scripts.   

I’ve waited this long to become a published author, so I can wait a bit longer. I’ve been very patient, getting the stories right. Maybe, before the end of the year, I might be in a position to submit novels again. I’m looking forward to working with people I can trust, in an environment that thrives on fresh perspectives, but for the time being, I’m enjoying ‘freedom’ far too much. I want to indulge in a little uncensored creativity. I’m turned on by innovation not ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. 

The Long Goodbye.....

Prior to submitting your work you might want to consider the phenomenon that is ‘The Long Goodbye’.....

This devastating rejection can cause severe heartache, especially if other opportunities were lost during that long wait. In order to avoid the agony of rejection, in whatever form, I asked successful authors how they approached their agents. I soon gathered that most had mapped out their careers before they began work on their first novel. Not one of these subjects rushed into the submission process. Instead, they spent many years studying their craft, entering competitions and collecting prizes. Even after they had completed their first draft, these cunning little foxes didn’t trust an agent to be in receipt of their work without getting independent editorial advice. While waiting for feedback, they did a spot of research - staring at profile pictures until they knew every agent by sight. They learned to sniff out influential people at parties and conferences, homing in on their favourites, targeting two or three at a time. Eventually, after years of apprenticeship, they sent off a round of submissions to a selected few. Excitement ensued. Contracts were signed. Publication agreements followed......

A trusting and somewhat impatient person might be tempted to submit three chapters of an incomplete novel. It is perhaps naive, but not stupid for an unpublished writer to trust an interested agent from a reputable agency. No one expects to be published overnight, but what’s the harm in hankering after a little advice? If an agent voluntarily reads your work, invites you to their office and/or provides feedback free of charge you could be excused for thinking that they are committed to developing your career. You might surmise that they are generous souls who work in an agency that is perhaps a tad too overstaffed? However, remain vigilant.

Be curious if an agent asks you to make changes without a client agreement. Literary agents don’t usually have the time to nurture. It’s not the job of publishers either. Publishers rely on established agents to send them work of a certain standard. So you may be asked to make a few alterations in preparation for publisher submissions, but surely not before you have signed a contract? Take another look at their clients. Assess whether your work sits comfortably on that list. Perhaps it’s time to move on before that long goodbye?

Remember, if your work isn’t ready for submission the vast majority of agents will thank you for your interest and bid you a short goodbye. Be aware that there are some unscrupulous agents who might string an aspiring author along: either to prevent their premise going to any other agency or to provide one of their existing clients with that idea? For this reason, I warn everyone to beware of the long goodbye......  

Don't make the same mistake twice.....

In all probability the simplest error in your otherwise brilliant submission/competition entry will be drastic.  The chance of a mistake contributing to your success isn’t very likely. However, I’ll bet it’ll happen one day. After weighing up the odds, I’d take a risk and have a flutter. A little whoops-a-daisy could be the gateway to success. It might even make you rich. Intrigued? Then read on....

Most writers are blinded by the sheer genius of their work to notice a teeny-weeny error. Their minds are full of complex plots, stimulating dialogue, murder and espionage. A dedicated author can deliberate for days over a single connective. They spend hours navigating peaks and troughs. A writer can become so close to their creations that they’ll start talking about every fictional character as if they actually exist. In this state of instability we can’t expect them to notice a ‘T-shit’ instead of ‘shirt’. It’s easy to miss the ‘twat’ that should have been ‘tat’ or that slippery ‘crap’ which was meant to be ‘carp’. Come on – give them a break. The vast majority of writers need a decent proof-reader.

Not all unpublished authors have the money to pay for editorial services. Ask a favour from your writing group peers or a smart friend, but choose someone you trust. You don’t want them blurting out every embarrassing mistake you’ve ever made.

Mind you, I’m not afraid to admit my mistakes. I’ll be forever indebted to the man who kindly informed me that my main character had been hovering when I’d created a scene in which she should have been hoovering. It caused great hilarity when he read that my levitating protagonist had become irritated by a flyaway fridge which she had somehow managed to flick from her face.

Some of my cringing mistakes have come alarmingly close to publication, but by sheer coincidence, fate stepped in and saved the day. I might have failed to notice past mistakes, but I’ll never make them again. I’ve come full circle in my writing career - right back to square one, but I’ve learned many lessons.  

The main lesson is not to rush into finding an agent. I used to naively think that it was essential to secure representation, even if you had not perfected your first draft. On the contrary, you must concentrate on creativity in those early days. You don’t want the menace of conflicting advice at this stage. Choose a genre that suits you and become an expert in that area. Retain your positive attributes and work on the negatives. Attend courses and festivals. Brush shoulders with people in the know. Exchange tweets and share Facebook posts. Create a substantial portfolio before you begin the submission process. Once you decide to step into this minefield: get introduced to agents, attend pitch sessions and read agent profiles to make sure they are right for you. Most importantly, choose someone you can trust by seeking recommendations from peers.

In the New Year, I’ll send my revised novel off to the third agent on my list. I might even chase up number two. There’s no rush. So what’s the betting that I’ll get my work published in 2015? I don’t need a pie chart to demonstrate that the odds are stacked up against me. However, I’m not obsessing over that probability.  

Imagine one giant dessert with plenty of fruit and dollops of cream - make it clotted – the richer the better. Add several triangular sandwiches without crusts: cream cheese, cucumber and mint. We’re enjoying afternoon tea at Betty’s, as opposed to making do with what’s left over in the fridge. I’m taking my time. I don’t want to get too full, too quick and end up with an agonising stitch. I’m going to enjoy this moment for as long as it takes to recharge the batteries. You could say I’m bulking up, in preparation for another fight. The trials will continue, but I’m all set to take a different path. Mistakes can make you very rich indeed.