THE WRITER’S APPRENTICESHIP: STAGE ONE OF THE TRIALS – A SLOW DESCENT INTO HELL.....

Have you taken your hobby onto the next level? Are you embarking on a career in writing? If you want to become a professional author, decide whether your novel is going to be literary or commercial. Aim to write 60,000 consecutive words over a short period of time. Increase the word count and call it ‘First Draft.’ Then sit back, reflect on your wonderful life, bid friends goodbye, hand over your kids to a sane relative and begin divorce proceedings....

It’s one hell of an apprenticeship, a life changing experience, which should come with a health warning. You might opt for the lucky fast-track option and get an agent straight away, but you’ll probably end up on the most expensive course: the one that comes with additional training and usually lasts a lifetime. Only the most dedicated will survive. All students are expected to study seven days a week/24 hours a day. There will be nothing else on your mind.

In preparation for your slow descent into hell I must advise you to move into a clutter-free house, preferably one with padded walls. Crash-mat floors will provide protection for when you choose to hurl yourself around in utter despair. Send your submissions via email. Use texts to communicate with everyone else. While seeking representation, avoid contact with human beings - they’ll only keep asking if your work is published. When you tell them that you’re still working on that task, they’ll give you a look as if to say, ‘What have you been doing with your time?’ Therefore, I suggest you adopt a cat to keep you company. Make sure it’s trained and used to temperamental owners. Don’t get a dog - you won’t have time to take it on walks. It’ll only join the ever growing list of other ‘beings’ who resent you.

You’ll soon realise that you might never get an agent. This will occur long before you’ve reached the list of agents on page two of the Writers' & Artists' Yearbook. Don’t have a strop. Eat cake. Drink wine. Put your dimply hands on your ample hips and shout at the top of your voice to every agent worldwide, ‘I’m coming to get you!’ Did I mention your minimalist home must also have triple glazing to dampen emotional outbursts?

It could take anything from twelve months to thirty years to finish a writer’s apprenticeship. You won’t live any longer than this. Life expectancy decreases the minute you receive your first rejection.

By now you’ll be penniless and overcome with self-doubt. You’ll try to work out why no one wants you on their list. Do they dislike one aspect of your submission or hate it all? You’ll not consider the possibility that it just isn’t their cup of tea or that your idea is too difficult to brand. At this stage of apprenticeship, you are your biggest critic. Be careful not to go into an editorial frenzy. Please don’t cut ‘First Draft’ in half. You’re not yourself anymore. In this state you’re likely to shred all the best bits and completely lose the plot. Seek help!

Join a Writer’s Group to get constructive criticism. Agents are very good at wining, dining, flirting and smiling, but only if they’re getting a percentage of your earnings. They don’t have the time to write wonderful letters of encouragement, even if they’ve been inspired by your submission. Your work might be brilliant, you could have real potential, but if it ends up on the slush pile you won’t get any praise. Every ‘reject’ receives the same standard NO. Agents don’t molly-coddle ‘unknowns’. Their role is to find something that stands out within a particular genre. They have a fiduciary duty to represent the authors on their lists (anyone with a client agreement). Once an author obtains this legal contract they should feel secure, because any misrepresentation can be fought in court.  However, if you wish to avoid a battle, remain vigilant; expect to come across a few demons - it is HELL after all.

FIFTY SHADES OF HYPE....

Am I the only person who hasn’t read the book, seen the film or pre-ordered the DVD? I’ve read enough extracts and reviews to know that this book isn’t for me. I can’t take it seriously. Is it a joke? Am I right in thinking the author described male genitalia as ‘his essentials’– something I associate with my weekly shop? That term gets me wondering if my other half’s got enough bread for his packed lunch. I consider water to be a necessity like milk, eggs, butter - wine. I don’t expect to find Christian Grey’s meat-and-two-veg in the refrigeration cabinet when I’ve nipped into Asda for a litre of semi-skimmed. Perhaps they’d sit comfortably on every Good-For-You aisle, but in my opinion, the author should have written the word ‘penis’ to avoid confusion.

Maybe, I should jump on the band wagon, get hold of some mummy porn and see if I can write it any better? I do wonder why I’ve spent so much time editing and revising crime plots when I could write about groceries in a very telling, rather than showing way. As long as there’s enough hype surrounding a book, you could write about anything from frozen peas to chips - describe the cut as wrinkle instead of crinkle, if that’s what takes your fancy, but make sure there’s plenty of sauce.

I can categorically state that originality is a luxury, and most unpublished authors can’t afford to indulge. If we want our novels to get on the shelves we must work within the confines of genre and marketing. This is why I spent the majority of 2014 analysing the best way to adapt my first novel for crime. I needed to discover whether my ideas were commercial, so I scrutinised the competition. I didn’t find my work in hundreds of other books - not even two! It just wasn’t in-vogue. The first-person narrative was perhaps, a little too experimental. The protagonist had to become perpetrator or victim if it was ever going to slot into crime. I needed time to think. I’d already written a conventional police procedural, but I didn’t want this to become my breakthrough novel. I began work on a domestic noir, but I couldn’t shelve my first book. I felt compelled to get the story out. So I played around with the protagonist’s voice, taking the character from the novel and into scripts.   

I’ve waited this long to become a published author, so I can wait a bit longer. I’ve been very patient, getting the stories right. Maybe, before the end of the year, I might be in a position to submit novels again. I’m looking forward to working with people I can trust, in an environment that thrives on fresh perspectives, but for the time being, I’m enjoying ‘freedom’ far too much. I want to indulge in a little uncensored creativity. I’m turned on by innovation not ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.