Wednesday, 3 September 2014

#amblogging and #writing, because #Ineedtosellmybook, which is #thebestthingsinceslicedbread....

An unpublished author should include hash-tags in every tweet if they want to get noticed. No matter what your day job is, you must set aside time to ‘strut your stuff’ on social media. It is a good idea to knock a few years off your age and post a photo-shopped image that was taken decades ago. Practice facial expressions in front of a mirror. Go for a moody, intellectual pose for your profile picture: choose your best side, look up and appear thoughtful.
To attract new followers you might want to fabricate a connection to the Royal Family or add an impressive title to your name. For wider exposure you could degrade yourself by going on a reality programme. Perhaps this is not the recommended route for those of you who are aiming for the Booker prize? But be warned, if that is the case, be prepared for an even harder slog to the top and expect to be poorer as a result.

All unpublished writers should tweet several hundred times a day and still find time to write the next best-seller *raises eye brows* *positions tongue in cheek*. 

You must be professional: set goals, meet competition deadlines and submit perfectly edited work. Ideally, you could go without meals to pay for editorial services, which shows commitment and might work in your favour. Make sure you post a few newsfeeds on Facebook so everyone is aware of the sacrifices you’re making. Don’t forget to tag ‘friends’ from the publishing industry. Sod everyone else.  

A wise unpublished author of any genre must be organised. Go to your nearest Ikea store and buy everything listed on pages 228 to 245 in the catalogue. Invest in filing systems for workshop notes. A couple of Pappis boxes for contacts and business cards wouldn’t go amiss, the odd Tjena, Maffin basket and Samla with lid. Buy expandable cases for the many rejection letters that will be coming your way. Frame all achievements (no matter how small) because every little bit of recognition can lift your flagging confidence. Restoring belief in oneself is vital during the long road to publication.

Back up all your work on memory sticks, which can be hidden securely in locked safes. Keep hard copies and electronically date stamp emails to prove copyright. You’ve not spent all these years working hard and getting nowhere to let some thieving #### steal what’s rightfully yours *winks* *looking at no one in particular* *winks again*.

At this stage, you might experience battle fatigue. You’ll be bitter and deflated. So use all that pent up anger and frustration to your advantage. Release tension by protesting about a good cause, something like keeping your local library open. Support this worthwhile service by visiting it daily. Make sure you post photographs to earn brownie points.

Give up on sleep, if need be. Use every minute of those 24 hours to raise your profile. Word of advice #caffeine.

Before you keel over from total exhaustion, make sure you become an expert in your chosen field by reading at least one novel a night. Do whatever it takes to acquire an array of books. After years of receiving no money for all your efforts, you might have to downsize and live in a caravan or bedsit where there’s no room for shelves. Never fear. There are other ways to store your ever-increasing collection of other people's books. Stack them high, preferably in alphabetical order, which shows you care. Name the post, “My leaning tower of literature” and dust regularly.  

Remember peers: remain Resilient, Organised, Positive and Extrovert #ROPE

                            Advice courtesy of








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